


Not In That Way

by bananaquit



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, M/M, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-22
Updated: 2018-01-22
Packaged: 2019-03-08 06:56:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13452876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bananaquit/pseuds/bananaquit
Summary: Neil cared about him, but he cared about everyone. That was just who he was. He was always going out of his way to include people, to spread kindness and light and that beautiful energy he carried with him everywhere he went. Todd was just another victim of that touch, of that smile, one in a crowd of many, forgettable, nondescript. Neil pitied him.





	Not In That Way

**Author's Note:**

> prompt from yjshelby on tumblr
> 
> anderperry: "not in that way" by sam smith

_ And I hate to say I love you _

_ When it's so hard for me _

 

Every time Todd thought about telling Neil he loved him, the words would disappear as soon as they started to form. He couldn’t speak. His mouth would open, but no words would come out. That invisible man had his hands around his throat, closing it up, refusing to let anything escape.

 

_ And I hate to say I want you _

_ When you make it so clear _

_ You don't want me _

 

Neil didn’t care about him the same way he cared about Neil. That was a certainty in Todd’s mind. He didn’t even realize he was in love with Neil until it was too late. It was that was moment when Neil had rushed into the room, his eyes full of light and hope and excitement and desire. It was all directed towards acting, towards the play. It was then that Todd realized he wanted that attention directed towards him and simultaneously realized how utterly impossible that was. Neil’s dreams were his love, not Todd.

 

_ I'd never ask you 'cause deep down I'm certain I know what you'd say _

_ You'd say, "I'm sorry. Believe me, I love you, but not in that way." _

 

Neil cared about him, but he cared about everyone. That was just who he was. He was always going out of his way to include people, to spread kindness and light and that beautiful energy he carried with him everywhere he went. Todd was just another victim of that touch, of that smile, one in a crowd of many, forgettable, nondescript. Neil pitied him, he thought.

 

_ And I hate to say I need you _

_ I'm so reliant _

_ I'm so dependent _

_ I'm such a fool _

 

But Christ, he needed Neil. Before he met Neil, he was nothing. Then Neil showed up and made him something, made him valuable, made him real. It felt like he mattered, like he was capable. Neil pulled him out of his shell and picked him up when he was down. Neil was his happiness, his encouragement, his validation. Neil made up everything he was.

 

_ When you're not there, _

_ I find myself singing the blues. _

_ Can't bear, _

_ Can't face the truth _

 

Neil was gone. Now he was nothing again. Todd didn’t want to believe it. He _ couldn’t  _ believe it. The world that had seemed so colorful when Neil was around was now in shades of blue-gray, sapped of color, of meaning.

 

_ You will never know that feeling _

_ You will never see through these eyes _

 

And he’d never even know. He’d never get to understand how Todd felt about him, how he made his heart beat faster in his chest, how he looked like a statue sculpted by the gods, a priceless painting. He’d never get the chance.

 

_ I'd never ask you 'cause deep down I'm certain I know what you'd say _

_ You'd say, "I'm sorry. Believe me, I love you, but not in that way." _

 

Todd sat hunched over on his cot in Neil’s room with his feet on the floor, opposite of the now-bare bed where Neil had once rested. Now he rested under the frozen earth, cold and distant, dead and gone. His tears dripped onto his legs as he struggled to contain his sobs. He crumpled the playbill for _A Midsummer Night’s Dream_ in his fist.

 

_ You'd say, "I'm sorry. Believe me, I love you, but not in that way." _

 

He had no right to mourn this much. Neil didn’t love him, not like he wanted him to. At least he’d be able to stop hoping now. No more anxiety-ridden hours trying to sort out his feelings, no more potential disappointment. His tears stained the crinkled paper clutched in his hand. Maybe it was for the better.


End file.
